Zombie Prom has actually helped. I thought it was going to make things worse because we'd be together 24/7, but we just have so much fun up there that we can't be mad at each other. We're not fighting anymore, but we're both stubborn and bull headed about stupid things.... but we're both scorpios so what do you expect lol. so I really fucking hate working. I hate refinery and everyone there, and i'm quitting friday's because it is NOT worth the paycheck I'm getting. It's bullshit.. slash they all suck. I called in yesterday cuz  "my grandma is sick", and now I'm about to call and say that I can't work on Monday or Tuesday because that's when her funeral is.... and then proceed to tell them not to schedule me any more because I HATE THEM. Rawr. Anyways... ZP is going really well apparently. We got a review from a guy who apparently never gives good reviews and he loved it. So that made me really happy........ other than that I am just fucking tired All. The. Time.

Oh we had people over last night, and it was just really really funny. I got kinda drunk, but it was like... Kendall, Maura, Liesel, Charles, (no Brad because NO ONE likes him hahahahahah) Ellen, and Isis, then Mike and Suzanne, then David Zych (haha), Whitney (who is like my new bf), Mikel and Wes.... it was just a really awkward group of people but super funny. Oh and Casey was there too. We had fun but it was rather bootleg. I think people were just unsure about drinking so only like half of us were. THEN like everyone left except for mike, mikel and wes and Mikel was sitting on the floor dozing off. I was laughing so freakin' hard.

Meh. I'm blabbing. Oh and quick update, I HATE MILEY CYRUS.

So hungover. Last night was too funny, I did shots with Lindy so she wouldn't feel left out. Then Spencer, my OTHER boss came, and I did a shot with him. So ridiculous. I didn't pay for shit last night either.. so that was nice. Today is gonna be a long day of hungover shittiness.

Things are okay today. And yesterday. It comes in waves... and I guess I'm on a good one right now. So I'll take what I can get?

OH OH OH O OH MAURINE is coming home this Thursday to see the show! I'm so fucking excited to see her. I hope this show pulls together.... I'm kinda worried at this point, but that's how it always is.

I've been up for almost an hour and i've already shit twice hahaha...... I think I feel another one?

I suppose I could do a real entry.

I just got a job as a host at Friday's. I work Friday afternoons, Saturday, Sunday and Monday nights. It's not too bad, but on top of everything else, it's just weird added stress. I say weird because this job is just that. Weird. The other hosts are so bizarre.. one creepy dude named Lucas, one crazy bitch named Kalene? I think that's her name, but apparently she's in J and H with you guys (maddie and corbin) and I asked if she knew you two and she was like OMG I LOVE THEM. MADDIE'S WEAVE IS SO HOT. Except way more annoying. I seriously thought I was going to punch her eyes out. She's really bossy and acts like she's in charge, but (obviously) she's not. So her and Lucas apparently hate each other and the second he got there last night she just started laying into him and was like.. cussing him out. It was SO unnecessary. Then Lucas goes back and tells the manager on duty that she's up there cussing in front of customers so he comes up there and is like You guys are all equals and your job is to take care of the customers! blah blah blah if I hear cussing you're fired. Of course, he stared at me the whole time because I'm new, so I just assumed he hated me.. but he came back up later and was basically hitting on me. So apparently everyone hates her. Which is good to know I'm not the only one.. but honestly how could you not hate her. She's like the worse qualities from Alysia, Christiana, LaDonna, and a little bit of Marc all rolled into one girl. Hahahahahahaha.... that's an epic statement. Anyways, I don't mind the actual work I'm doing but it's really the people. I would so much rather deal with the customers than these other dipshits I work with. The waiters aren't too bad, because I'm pretty good with making them think I'm trying to seat them, but some are bitchy. Oh well.. I'm still in that adjustment period, you know? It's just... weird. Whatever.

So, during the rest of my time, I have class and work at refinery. Refinery is kind of ridiculous.... but I'm getting closer with all the people I work with here, so that's nice. I hung out with Steve yesterday after I got off and that was just TOO funny. He is realllllllllllllllly funny high. And I had a lovely conversation with Clayton and a lot of the members really like me, so that makes coming here easier. Especially when I basically live here on the weekends. However, going from work, to rehearsal, to work, REALLY sucks. Or on Fridays, when I have refinery, Friday's, refinery again. THAT's awesome, let me tell you. But I need the money so I can't complain too much. Overall, I'm really pretty happy... but I haven't burnt myself out.. YET. Yet, is the key word.

Zach and I have been together for a year and week now.. so that's... crazy. Things aren't going too bad with him.. but it's really a day to day thing. It can change at the drop of a hat though. I think I finally figured out what freaks me out about him. I don't/can't understand how someone could WANT to be with someone as much as he wants to be with me. Like.. how could someone want to spend that much time with another person. How does he not get annoyed with me? And then that makes me feel like a bad person because I don't mind some time apart.. but he freaks out. How does that work? I dunno. But for now it's okay and that's all I can ask for I guess.

I didn't audition for Christmas Carol.. and I hope I don't regret it. Although I don't really think I will, because it SUCKED last year haha... I did just remember how much I hated that show... But I just hate working backstage. However, my dad is taking a trip out to see Justin in California sometime relatively soon.. or in December (which, I hate to say, is relatively soon.... ugh) but they really want me to go with. And I would absolutely love to go (obviously) but I can't just take off work and shit, you know? I have to pay bills......... but I deserve a break. Especially after Zombie Prom, I'm going to be SO shot. I'll talk about that in a minute. SO what I think I'm going to do, is tell Bernie and Dave that I am going to be out of town and they can suck it. Just kidding, sort of. I'm gonna ask to do ticket office, and just be gone for one weekend of the shows, but be there for strike and building and I'll make some sort of soon to be broken promise. (hah)

Zombie Prom. It's getting better. I'm getting better. Except I think I'm fighting a cold, so I've been dousing myself in hand sanitizer. Not literally, I'm pretty sure my skin would fall off. But Zach and I had our first rehearsals singing together this past week and we actually sound really fucking good. I was actually kind of nervous because I didn't know how our voices would blend together, but we sound baller. I just hope we can keep it up through the run of the show... there are 14 performances. I'm really worried about my voice for the run of the show... but I've been fairly good about the up keep of my throat. Hahah..

Oh wow.. okay well I'm gonna go, because Becky is here so i'm gonna dip on out to rehearsal.

Peace out bitches!

p.s.
i miss you guys...

I’m just a little bit caught in the middle
Life is a maze and love is a riddle
I don’t know where to go
Can’t do it alone I’ve tried
and I don’t know why

Slow it down make it stop
or else my heart is going to pop
‘cuz it’s too much, yeah it’s a lot
to be something I’m not

I’m a fool out of love
‘Coz I just can’t get enough

I’m just a little bit caught in the middle
Life is a maze and love is a riddle
I don’t know where to go
I can’t do it alone I’ve tried
And I don’t know why

I am just a little girl lost in the moment
I’m so scared but don’t show it
I can’t figure it out
It’s bringing me down I know
I’ve got to let it go
And just enjoy The Show

The sun is hot in the sky
just like a giant spotlight
The people follow the sign
And synchronize in time
It’s a joke nobody knows
They’ve got a ticket to that show …yeah

I’m just a little bit caught in the middle
Life is a maze and love is a riddle
I don’t know where to go
Can’t do it alone I’ve tried
and I don’t know why

I am just a little girl lost in the moment
I’m so scared but I don’t show it
I can’t figure it out
it’s bringing me down I know
I’ve got to let it go
And just enjoy the show
oh oh
Just enjoy the show
oh oh

I’m just a little bit caught in the middle
Life is a maze and love is a riddle
I don’t know where to go
Can’t do it alone I’ve tried
And I don’t know why

I am just a little girl lost in the moment
I’m so scared but I don’t show it
I can’t figure it out
It’s bringing me down I know
I’ve got to let it go
And just enjoy the show

Dum de dum dudum de dum
Just enjoy the show

i just randomly found these lyrics, and  really liked them. so here ya go. maddie, you're not a failure, but i completely understand where you're coming from. i'm really having issues with zombie prom. they want me to belt everything and i can't. like.. i physically cant. and they're like, well you need to start now so we can make sure you can actually do it.. but they're being assholes about it so i'm right there with ya babe. i heart you.

It is 4:30 in the friggin' morning. And here I am sitting at member services listening to people make fun of how chipper I am. It's just so funny to me because in my mind I am like death. But I somehow always manage to put on the facade. I signed 5 people up yesterday... and actually didn't fuck up. It was kind of a miracle. One more day of this... I'm so glad it's almost over, because I need a break. I wish school would just go on hiatus for a day or 4... so we could all just have a little break. Google- ing random shit. What's the pointttttttttttttttttttt offfffff itttttttt aaaaaaalllllllllllllllllll???????? More coffee. Sometimes I wish things that happen in cartoons could happen in real life. I'm so all over the place right now..... This skinny bitch is I think stretching.. but she's just hitting herself with her arms back and forth. This is too funny. Oh I started the day with Macy Gray on XM, so that was beaut. I quit smoking! Cigarettes. I need another job. I hope zp goes better than it is now..

Sorry for this dumb add update..

I just get so frustrated when i get to this page! There's so much I want to say, but I never know how to word it, so then I'm just like FUCK it. And do stupid posts like this. Gr. In funny news, this old man just called Kevin a jackass, so that was really amusing. Now I'm coloring creepy pages. I wish I wasn't here.... or HERE. rythm

I was going to just write, I'm such a failure. But then I heard Rockabye by Shawn Mullins, and it literally turned everything around. I hope all is well with you guys.

Well, you win some and you lose some, I guess. It sucks that's what I lost though.

I'm a Unitarian Universalist. And I think I actually may go to church.

"We draw upon wisdom from many religions and believe that no single religious tradition has the corner on the Truth.  We derive inspiration from many sources, including both sacred and secular texts, science and nature, philosophy and psychology, music and meditation.  We are open to many experiences and believe that revelation is not sealed, but rather that new knowledge and insights are available to everyone in every age. 

We believe that for each of us, it is our personal responsibility to broaden and deepen our spiritual selves, and to make sure that we are living out our beliefs in our daily words and actions."

That's exactly what I've been looking for. Weird right?

Sunshine when you’re with me I can fly
Sunshine when you’re with me I can fly

Every day I wonder why
Peace on earth’s so hard to find
Real peace begins inside
In our hearts and in our minds
Hearts and minds begin to see
That one and all means you and me
And what we know can set us free
Rearrange reality

Reality is what we know
We can change a river’s flow
Plant a seed, watch it grow
Build a shelter, build a home
Home is where my heart will stay
Even when I’m far away
Makes no difference what they say
As long as you will be my sunshine

Sunshine when you’re with me I can fly
Sunshine when you’re with me I can fly

When I’m feeling sad and low
And I’m not sure where to go
And all the good times that I’ve known
Have gone and left me all alone
All alone I’ll never be
Long as you are here with me
You’re in everything I see
And everything I’m doing
All I do I do for you
You’re my sun, you’re my moon
Every lazy afternoon
You’re my inspiration
Inspiration lights the way
Brings a sparkle to each day
Makes the dark clouds go away
Let us let the children play

Sunshine when you’re with me I can fly
Sunshine when you’re with me I can fly
Music is the reason why
People laugh people cry
Sing and dance and clap their hands
It’s how the whole world understands
Understands that we are one
Makes no difference what you’ve done
Or where you live under the sun

We are only human
Only human yes it’s true
Still the mystery is you
And the sky so clear and blue
Makes every day feel so brand new
Brand new day throughout the world
For all the little boys and girls
If everybody lends a hand
We can live together!

Thanks Raul Midon. You're very inspirational today. Oh you wanna have babies? Sure! I would love to have your children.


Great thanks.

I guess once three weeks has gone by it's time to post... i almost typed poach there. I really couldn't tell you why though. I'm sitting in the office of the second house I've babysat at today, and this one is much nicer than the last one. Overall the first house was way nicer, but the office is also a play room and Shannon is a pretend single mother right now so it was a little messy. Which is totally understandable. And which is why I folded her laundry. But the computer I'm on right now is bad fucking ass. It's a huge flat screen tv mounted o the wall, and I'm typing on a wireless keyboard with a wireless mouse and I'm sitting on a love seat like 5 feet away from the tv. So I am kinda getting a headache because the font is so small, but.. that's okay this is still fucking baller. This would be a grand computer to watch porn on. Not that I watch porn or anything..

Anyways,  I really miss Zach. I wasn't sure how this week was going to go, but I'm one quarter enjoying it, three quarters wanting to kill myself. It's just weird him not being here. That's okay though he'll be back soon. I'm so queer sometimes.....

Lately I've been trying to a better person as a whole. My job is good for that, because I have to be nice to everyone..... or I get fired. Which is generally the rule.. anywhere, but especially at the refinery. We get our asses chewed out if we don't say hi to like.. one person. It's so ridiculous, but it forces me to be nice. Regardless of how I'm feeling on the inside. I'm trying. Baby steps I guess..

I'm really fucking tired of being poor though. That I do fucking know. I can't handle this 1.50 in the bank account thing... it's bullshit. I work all the time, but every check goes right to bills and rent. I've had to decide what isn't as necessary and put it off until I can afford it, and it's taking a toll. Like, getting my oil changed for example. Or having Ziggy groomed. Her nails. Are straight TALONS. The worst they've ever been, but my nail clippers are too small, so... it gets put on hold. Or getting my computer fixed. Or my camera. Or buying a new phone charger. Or blah blah blah blah blah......... the list goes on and on. It's just so fucking unfortunate. And I can't ask for any more money from parents cuz as a total from all three of them I've borrowed 500 dollars this summer. I really would have not made it otherwise. So unfortunate............

Ziggy is my life. I love her so much. She's seriously like a mini human, and it's so entertaining sometimes. But I really can't remember my life without her. Speaking of I have to buy dog food on my way home from work tonight. At midnight. Ugh.....

Moses will be in my care allllll day tomorrow and I am so excited because I haven't seen him hardly at all lately and he is SO freaking big now. I love that child.

Dont you wish you could just see into the future? I wish I knew what I was doing with my life. I have no purpose... I know that's not true but I feel like that alot. I wish money wasn't the root of everything. Because then I could just go and do what I want instead of this... life.

I'm so analytical. I analyze everything I do, I say, I think, I see,  the people I work with, people I see driving..... seriously everything. I just think constantly. I'm always talking to myself. Out loud and internally. And I can rationalize the shit out of any situation. Regardless of it should be rationalized.That is one of my biggest problems I think. I can convince myself that every decision and choice I make is okay. But I can't turn it off, it Just happens. Allll the fucking time. It's actually really irritating sometimes.

The universe is so funny sometimes.. it has such a way of working things out.. and it's funny how it just brings people in and out of your life just like that, The ones that leave may not be gone forever. Some will come back. The ones that are supposed to be there will be there.  The others were only temporary.. but that's okay. They were still there for a reason. I really think that there is something to be learned from every person you meet. even if it's just how to deal with people like them in the future. The universe puts people in your life for a reason, but its our job to figure out what the reason is. 

I know I sound like I'm rambling, but I really don't mind. These are the things I think about. Weird right? I don't believe in religion.. but I believe in the universe. Does that make sense?


I should probably go eat something.. I haven't really had a chance to do that yet. And now that I do have time, what do I do? Use the computer. I'm so lame. Time to go steal food!

I love you guys.
mv

Working at 4 in the morning is so weird. It just fucks with you. I keep thinking its like.. 1 in the afternoon, and then I remember I just have no concept of time. I don't know... I need sleep is what I do know. But I also need to get the house in order. All my shit's in the garage and I just don't know what do with half of it. There's so much shit that I have NO use for. We're gonna have a garage sale soon, and I'm super excited haha. I think this will be good. Things will be better. I hope.



hope: noun; the feeling that what is wanted can be had or that events will turn out for the best.

that's all I've really got for now.

i hate computers. the one time i fucking take the time to write an long entry, the fucking computer shuts down. fuck this.

I don't know why that changed everything, but it did. And I'm okay with it. I'm going to fight for this.. which is new for me. I love him.

And I'll be fine.










I'm always fine.


ps.
i think i may die of caffeine overdose today

I'm sitting here, at 4:27 in the morning, at work.
And I find it very easy to slip into this coma-like state. Maybe coma isn't the right word.
Auto-pilot maybe?
Yes, that fits better.
I hear the music, I see the people, I go through the motions.
But at the end of the day, I can't remember for the life of me what happened.
What was said, what was done, who was there.
What is the point of life when you're on auto-pilot?
What am I doing?
Why am I stuck in Champaign, doing this meaningless job, knowing the entire city and wanting to explode out of here?
I'm meant for something so much bigger.
Where is it?

i've written like 7 different things and erased all of them. it doesnt matter. i am so internal sometimes. i just dont talk. but in my head i never shut up.
do you ever feel like you watch yourself live?

so drunk. ziggy scratheched my stomach. it hurt. kind of blleeeding but not htat bad. piano man rocked. i love zach. we're saving up to go to californai and while we're there we're gonna go to disneyland and i'm excited. i love you. snf you snf uyou nsnf you. wow

we're gonna get ziggy ripped. peaceeeeeeeeeeeee out.










ps
i'm really happy with my current life situation

This email has probably been a long time coming.. and it may just cause issues, but I need to do this for my own sake.. so, sorry. I don't know what happened, what the causes were, who went where, or why things happened they way they did when you two got divorced. I just want to know the truth, and the ACTUAL truth, not what both of you feed me. I know there is so much that neither of you are telling me, and I feel that once I know exactly what happened, I'll be able to have a deeper relationship with each of you. I love all of you with all of my heart, and that will never change. I just feel that there is this black hole in my childhood and I need it filled. I want to have open, honest relationships with everyone in my life, and I feel like the people I have the least honest and open relationship with are my parents, and that's ridiculous. I'm supposed to be the closest to you guys, and I'm the the farthest away. I didn't know how to say any of this over the phone, or in person, so while an email may seem a little impersonal, it was the only way I could collect my thoughts.
Soooooooooooo I dunno how to go about this or what you guys want to do, but.. I guess let me know your thoughts?

Kathy said:

I left you a voicemail but I just want to confirm that if you’d like to do lunch or dinner, I’m happy to answer as best I can, any questions you have.  I feel very strongly that your dad is guilty as well as your mom in making your life difficult.  Your dad and I have had numerous heated discussions over things he has said or done to you.  You may not think I can be biased in talking to you, but I promise you that I can.  I will try to help you understand the dynamics between your parents and answer your questions about the role you may have been told I played in your parents divorce.  I can assure you that you will be most surprised by some of the things I’d like to share with you.   Just let me know when you think your ready to talk with me.

 

Also, if you’d like me to be with you when speaking to your dad, I’m happy to support you there as well.

 

I love you and I’m soooooooooooooooooo happy that you are finally questioning all this shit.

My dad said:

mollie,  i am not sure what "i have fed you", i believe all that i ever said was i would like to have the opportunity to tell my side of things, but it was up to you to tell me if and when you wanted to hear it.  i am sorry that this has caused you issues over the years, but i am not suprised, only saddened.  of course i will tell you the truth, as i have always done in the past.
  you will have to wait for me to respond, probably, over this weekend.
and i will answer, any and all questions you might have. i love you too, and always will. dad

then he said:
hey honey,  i think this needs to be done face to face.  i am sure you have questions and we are not going to find resolve for you in just a few minutes.  so....what i propose is, if you would like sometime saturday afternoon/evening coming over for dinner and/or going to the drive-in with us (kathy wants to see demons & angels).....or sunday anytime and stay for a cook out (bring your swimsuit, the pool will be open), just the three us, if you like.  let me know?

in response to both of those i said:

I love you alot, and I don't want these questions to seem like I'm attacking you, it's just really alot of stuff that I've wanted to know.






so that's where i'm at.. and i don't know what to do. i just dont want to get there and then him guilt me into not saying what i want and need to say. this has just been a weird day. i've been crying alot.

i can't deal with being poor anymore. i feel like just curling up in a ball and not dealing with the real world.